It is a common complain among youths that their parents try to control their lives. And perhaps you have the same grievance yourself. You say you want to stay out late; they say you must be home early. You say you're ready to date; they say you're too young. It seems that every 'May I' is met with 'No, you can't.'
In all fairness to parents, though, most youths are allowed to have their way at least some of the time. And likely you're no expection. Furthermore, your parents are probably well aware that you are no longer a child; sooner or later they will have to relinquish the control they've had over you since you were born. And like most parents, they probably want you to become a balanced, independent adult.
You may wonder, then: 'If my parents feel this way, why don't they show it?' It seems to you that they have a strange hold on your life and aren't about to let go. Really, however, there is probably little question as to whether you will gain control of your life. The only question is when. You want it now. But your parents may want you to gain that control gradually.
One teen viewed this as "vote of no confidence" from her parents, an insulting implication that she has a "self-destructive bent that has to be crubed." But could it be that your parents have a good reason to act as they do? In any event, your understanding their viewpoint may help you quell any feelings of resentment you may have over the way they treat you.
WHY THEY KEEP CONTROL
First, realize that the world has progressively become more dangerous and corrupt since your parents navigated their own way through youth. One parent admitted: "The world our son or daughter experiences at 14 or 15 or 16 is more dangerous than it was when we were growing up. It is less safe to go out alone. More teenagers are getting pregnant than when we were young." No wonder your parents want to protect you!
You may perceive such controls as beneath your dignity, babyish. But remember, it wasn't long ago that you really were a helpless baby in your parents arms. And now they want to keep you from moral harm, the way they once protected you from physical harm. Remember, too, your parents were once teenagers themselves, and they well know the difficulties a youth can get into. And as youths, some parents made some serious errors that have greatly complicated their lives.
One mother confessed: "I had to get married. It was because I had a steady boyfriend at a very young age. I was pregnant at sixteen. Now I have three children, and two of them are teenagers. I feel like I'm fifty instead of thirty-seven. I lost my youth."
Perhaps your parents never had that bitter experience. Yet, they are likely very concerned about the hazards of early dating and may forbid you to date. Should you resent this restriction? Really, if you heed your parents advice, you may avoid calamity.
A PERSONALITY IN TRANSITION
Still, you may feel like the youth who said: "I know what I'm doing. I'm not going to make a mess of my life. Why won't they let me live my own life?" But the problem may be that you unwittingly give your parents mixed signals. At times you may act like a competent adult; at other times, you may display a childlike need for parental help.
In the book 'How to Single Parent, Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson tells of one mother's experience in shopping with her 15-year-old daughter. Having narrowed her choice to three dresses, the daughter asked which looked best on her. Her mother thought it over a moment and replied: "I think the blue one definitely looks the best," The reply to this asked-for advice? "Oh, Mother, you always try to dominate my life and tell me what to do!"
Months later they went shopping again. the daughter selected a few outfits and asked: "Mother, which of these suits looks best on me?" Recalling the earlier episode, the mother decided to play it safe and answered: "I'm sure you can decide for yourself," to which her daughter exclaimed: "Oh, Mother, you never help me when I need you!"
Moods that swing from defiant bravado to babyish clinging confuse parents. And to some degree, all youths are plagued by this seesawing behavior; it's a natural part of growing up. But while natural part of parents that you still have some 'traits of a babe ' to overcome and that you are not ready for the controls to be completely relaxed.
GAINING GREATER CONTROL
You might nevertheless feel that you could do without at least some of that support and attention. And in hopes of gaining the freedom you crave, you may at times even be tempted to resort to devious means. "I know I shouldn't lie," wrote a teenage girl, "But I only did it to make things simple. |Mom's too strict| and would never have let me go out if I'd told her the truth." Deceiving your parents though, never makes things simple. If the lie is uncovered (as it will likely be), it may greatly complicated matters.
The authors of the book Options wisely observe: "Living to your parents when you want them to trust you makes as much sense as stealing to prove how honest you are. When they catch you, they're likely to crack down on you even more, just for being a sneak.
So be honest with your folks. Give them complete and accurate details of where you want to go and who is going with you. When they impose curfews, honor them. This will convince them that you are responsible. They will be less likely to worry when you are away. And in time they may feel more confident in granting you greater freedom.
The time for you to take charge of your life will come soon enough. In the meantime, be patient. Enjoy your youth. Cooperate with the stand your parents take on dating, rules, curfews and the like. Doing so now might just spare you regrets and heartaches later. If you feel that certain restrictions are inappropriate for your age or are unreasonable, don't rebel. Calmly discuss matters with your parents. Perhaps they've simply lost track of just how old you really are or how much you've grown up.
Whatever the case, you'll probably find that they are not really interested in controlling your life. They simply want to ensure your future happiness.
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